operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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