Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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