Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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