i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize