gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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