Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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