i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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