He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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