Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
