My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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