Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
