do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
