it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
