My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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