So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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