i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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