I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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