I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
