I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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