im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
