i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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