Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
