He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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