forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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