so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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