I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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