Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
