bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
