my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There r osticjed everywhere
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
