He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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