so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize