i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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