Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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