Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
