Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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