my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
