:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
