i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Shame is for Republicans.
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