This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize