ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize