Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
