Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
