Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
