at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
