Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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