I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Randomize
