I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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