Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dick very happy bro
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
