right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
