I can tuck mytits in my pants
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
