So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
