it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
