dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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