shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
