i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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