my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
