I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize